*sighs*

Yes I know, I normally name my posts after a song, give you a cute picture of the princess and even some song lyrics but today I just need to rant. (which I haven't here in awhile). I Guess my hugest issue right now is that we are moving. I mean I'm glad to be moving and I'm even more excited about the oppourtunity to get new furniture etc but its sad. Its another ending for us. I just wish we could find a house that we could grow into and not have to move anymore. This is the place where Alice Rose had her first christmas. Took her first steps. Said her first words and I am just so upset about leaving here that I can't handle it. I mean I understand that we can't stay here forever its just not possible but its still sad. I think maybe once we clean this place out I will run through and take a video of this place empty so down the road I can show Alice her first home. Where she took all of her firsts at. I mean is it stupid that I'm upset? Yeah probably but its like I dunno I'm lame I'm sure its just...I'm upset...and like I said its like I can't tell Randy because he'll be like "theres no room for us to stay here" and I will answer "thank you captain obvious" its just still sad.

He wants to move into a house. I want to move into a house. But unless we move closer to his work then it will be pointless because we will end up spending as much as we are now/later. I just wish that in this economy he could find a good job, decide he likes it and wants to keep it, so then I could finally settle down and not have to worry about the gas we are spending when hes driving "x" amount of miles to work. Right now in one day hes putting almost 100 miles on the car each day going back and forth to work. With Gas at almost $4 a gallon its just crazy for us not to move out to Bloomfield Hills because then its only a 10 minute walk for him to work.

I guess there are pros and cons to all of this. I just wish we could find a 3 or 4 bedroom house for cheap so all of this money we would be saving while living at dads could go into something that would be ours eventually. And we would never have to move again. The next baby would have all of their firsts in that house and I would beable to look back when they turn 18 and be like "you took your first steps right there" and smile and shed a small tear. You know like my mom did with us. *sighs* I just don't know what to do...

I just really wish someone actually read this blog because I could sure use some advice...

I Cross My Heart

Our love is unconditional, we knew it from the start.
I see it in your eyes, you can feel it from my heart.
From here on after let's stay the way we are right now,
And share all the love and laughter
That a lifetime will allow.

I cross my heart and promise to
Give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true.
In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine.

"Cross My Heart"- George Strait

So again due to my dads laziness we are post-poning the wedding for another year. I honestly wish we could afford to just run off and do it on our own. We've been together almost 5 years, have a little girl together and honestly I would like to get started on another but I don't want to till we are married. *sighs* October 21st 2011 will be our wedding date now. Alice will be almost 2 1/2 years old. *cries* Can't belive how time flies.

This was our first picture taken together. It was in 2006 I think. I don't quite remember. Who knew we would go this far? Get engaged, have a baby...gosh who knew...

He may drive me nuts but I love him all the same.

It Won't Be Like This For Long

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah, this phase is gonna fly by
So, he's tryin’ to hold on
~"It Won't Be Like This for Long" By Darius Rucker






So this is my beautiful little girl Alice Rose. Named perfectly after Alice Cullen and Rosalie Hale from the Twilight series. Her name is perfect for her in many ways. She is hyper and pixie-like: a familiar trait of Alice Cullen's but she is a diva and drama queen like Rosalie Hale. Rosalie is described in the book as being the most beautiful girl in the world and in my eyes (and it seems even to strangers around me) that my daughter fits that profile to a T. I've been asked if shes in pagents and told that she is the most beautiful and smart little girl they have ever seen.

Right now she just woke up from her nap and is looking at me through her crib bars like momma come cuddle me I'm just waking up. And all I can do is sit here and cry and think about how its not always going to be like this.

She isn't always going to need me. So at that point who needs me after she no longer does. It seems like Randy doesn't need me anymore, my family doesn't need me anymore so where will I fit in? I have to correct that thought though because it seems like Randy no longer WANTS me and neither does my family.

I'm slowly losing my mind and I have no where to turn. What do I do now? I'm so depressed I just don't know or care anymore. My meds don't work other then to keep me from being suicidal which honestly I don't think I could do that even if I wasn't on my meds. I'm not that desperate. I'm just sad and lonely. I am not writing anymore because my mind is so "not there" and "not normal" and that upsets me. This is the first time in gosh awhile that I've written. I was using LiveJournal for awhile but it kept giving me viruses so I guess that went out the door.

My days are spent with my little girl soaking up every hug and kiss I can get from her because I know one day they will stop. I know she will hit an age where she will hate me because I won't let her go out with her friends because its a school night or because her curfew is just too early. I wouldn't give these days up for anything but I just wish they could last a little longer.

My Life's Been A Country Song

It's all about fallin' down and gettin' back up
Your good times and hard luck
True love and amazing grace
Workin' all week for a back ache
Raisin' caine, Friday nights, Sunday church to set it right
They can write it on my stone,
My life's been a country song.
~Chris Cagle~
"My Life's Been a Country Song"

So to update everyone on everything. Life has been going ok. We moved into our first apartment on March 15th 2008 around 11 AM. The place is wonderful. Granted its not perfect but what place is honestly...especially what "first" apartment is perfect? Other then that life is going well and I can't be happier. School is going good but since moving I have gotten off the ball when it comes to school work so maybe once this weekend is over (I'm going to finish unpacking) then I am going to spend a whole day (sunday maybe?) at the kitchen table doing homework. I have so much to do but since we have moved and I am in a new atmosphere maybe it will help with my stuck-ness on Midnight. *sighs* who knows? But I am already making my things to do lists for the next few days and I plan to stick to them come hell or high water because I need to get back to my diet (which was interrupted) and I need to get back to life in general. I'm really happy because after everything has been gone through my friends will be coming over to buy books, clothes or miscellaneous stuff from me and all the money raised is gonna go towards our wedding. I'm also going to get looking for a job so that when I lose my job in June I don't have to worry about our money problems that may arise. *sighs* Gosh I have so much to do and I feel like my head is gonna fall off *sighs*

Well I'm out of here like a herd of turtles LOL
~Raelin

Sometimes You Leave

" Sometimes you give
Sometimes they take
Sometimes you bend
And sometimes they break you down
Sometimes you stick around trying to change them,
make them someone that they'll never be
And sometimes you leave"
Carrie Underwood
"Sometimes You Leave"

Have you ever had a time in your life where you want all of this stuff to happen but yet you are not in the position for it to happen? Like you don't have the money or the time just isn't right?
Thats right people, Lil Miss Bubbly Raelin is having one of those times. Things just can't seem to get any worse...or maybe they could and God just hasn't told me yet. So now it is all just a waiting game to see if god is going to test me just one more time to see if I bend, break or fall.

And then other things have been going on as well that just make me want to go hide my head in shame. I hear Randy's parents constantly talking to him about how he shouldn't spoil me because then I'm going to think that I don't have to get out there and work for what I want. Well here Randy goes again. Mind you, he's already paying for our apartment (if we end up getting this one) and now he wants to buy a new car so that he can give me his neon. Granted the car isn't New but its a 97 or 98 Black Neon like his only in better condition and its only $250 at his work. He wants to buy it so that he can get a new car but I don't want him buying a new car because then his parents will want to sell his old one and he doesn't want them to know its really for me.

My biggest worry in the process is that I do this babysitting job for his brother for the next few months and then I can't find a job after they move to NC. Then the car that I put insurance on and such has to just sit because I can't afford it. Plus I also don't see why we can't take that money and save it for the wedding. *sighs* At this rate we may never get married unless our parents decide to help which I doubt that will happen or if we take out a loan which I don't want to do. *sighs*

And then after last night things could get worse but I'm not going to dwell on it until I have something to really tell all of you.


As stupid as it sounds...can some one pray for us...or just me in general? I really need it. And maybe send some love my way...that would be nice as well.

Love Always,
Raelin

Cuz I Had A Bad Day

Why is it that every time things start to get good they start to go down the drain at the same time? I just don't understand this concept. I will admit. God has been helping me out alot lately and I can't help but love him, praise him and thank him for this however, then things go down the drain and it always seems lately that he picks me back up which is always good ya know but I mean come on here. At a time when we really need the money I find out that some how some way I managed to (between fees and actual spending) go 258$ overdrawn in my bank account *sighs* Well I'm gonna go to the bank today and see if they can let me slide since I get two "oopsies" a year. *shrugs* Pray for me y'all.

Things to Learn from this: Debit cards are the devil

~Raelin

Almost Home

"Love is the place
Where you go when day is done
Love is in the face
Of the old and young
Love knows nothing of the wheel
Of aluminum and steel
Traveling down that gravel road
Almost home"
"Almost Home" By Mark Erelli

So I wonder what it will be like on the day I finally have a place to call home. A place where I can put my feet up on the coffee table and not get yelled at. A place where its not a big deal if there are a few dirty dishes in the sink for a few days. A place where I can finally feel safe.
I feel safe with Randy. That isn't hard to understand, know or tell according to the people around me...However, being here at his house has hardly been any of the "at home" feeling I've been looking for. To be honest I think his parents are making sure that I don't get "to comfortable" because then they think I will not leave. I wonder sometimes if they act the way they do because they do not like me. Granted they say they like me straight to my face but yet I wonder sometimes.
Tonight I was yelled at because I had not had the time in the last few days to clean out our fridge. I was told that if I did not clean it out I would be kicked out for a measly bowl of Mac and Cheese that I had forgotten to put tin foil over and it had hardened in the 3 days it had been in the fridge.
*sighs*
I can't wait till the day I find "home"

Things To Learn From This: Home isn't where your heart is, home is where you feel safe at.

Brightest Wishes
and
Darkest Dreams,
Raelin Brianna