Almost Home

"Love is the place
Where you go when day is done
Love is in the face
Of the old and young
Love knows nothing of the wheel
Of aluminum and steel
Traveling down that gravel road
Almost home"
"Almost Home" By Mark Erelli

So I wonder what it will be like on the day I finally have a place to call home. A place where I can put my feet up on the coffee table and not get yelled at. A place where its not a big deal if there are a few dirty dishes in the sink for a few days. A place where I can finally feel safe.
I feel safe with Randy. That isn't hard to understand, know or tell according to the people around me...However, being here at his house has hardly been any of the "at home" feeling I've been looking for. To be honest I think his parents are making sure that I don't get "to comfortable" because then they think I will not leave. I wonder sometimes if they act the way they do because they do not like me. Granted they say they like me straight to my face but yet I wonder sometimes.
Tonight I was yelled at because I had not had the time in the last few days to clean out our fridge. I was told that if I did not clean it out I would be kicked out for a measly bowl of Mac and Cheese that I had forgotten to put tin foil over and it had hardened in the 3 days it had been in the fridge.
*sighs*
I can't wait till the day I find "home"

Things To Learn From This: Home isn't where your heart is, home is where you feel safe at.

Brightest Wishes
and
Darkest Dreams,
Raelin Brianna

Little Moments

"When she's layin' on my shoulder on the sofa in the dark
And about the time she falls asleep so does my right arm
And I want so bad to move it 'cause it's tinglin' and it's numb
But she looks so much like and angel that I don't wanna wake her up
Yeah I live for little moments
When she steals my heart again and doesn't even know it
Yeah I live for little moments like that"
"Little Moments" By Brad Paisley

As I work on planning my upcoming wedding I can't help but think about and giggle to myself what exactly it was that got me here. I remember it started the fall of 2005 when I saw a nerdy guy at school with the prettiest eyes and the cutest laugh. He played Magic the Gathering and video games as much as he could. He had a few close friends and made it seem to me that they were important to him. I immediately had a crush. So I was dating Mr. Abusive at the time but when he wasn't there I was often seen hanging around the nerdy boys table who I later found out was named Randy. I would stand there and hang out with him and his friends until the day I was dubbed "His Good Luck Charm" and I hugged him from behind and standing there behind him with my arms around his neck felt so right and so good I couldn't help but want to do it forever. We swapped numbers that day and he always tried to convince me to come over and hang out but I never did because I was afraid of letting my secret crush spill onto his shoes and then I would lose the person I considered to be my best friend by this time.
So I continued to date Mr. Abusive and I tried many a time to dump him but he wouldn't let me so I stayed. And then finally we were done and I enjoyed being single for a few months...trust me the peace was more comforting then being with him. I still had my feelings for the nerdy boy but he had stopped coming to the school. His friends had told me he dropped out.
It was a day in November of 2006 and he had come up to the school. I hadn't talked to him in months still because of the fear of him finding out that I was crushing on him. Finally, thanking God or Karma or whoever that I had worn a cute outfit that day, went up to him and leaned on his shoulder as he played Magic. I jokingly poked at him "So Guess What?" and he returned the "what?" and I answered "You're taking me out this weekend...." and he looked at me with those pretty eyes peering over his glasses and said "ok". Mind you this had only started as a kid around with your best friend kind of thing but it turned into something more.
That night we hung out and I had turned my head to look at him to say something and he had been trying to kiss me on the cheek but we actually kissed for the first time that night and I was done for.
And now a year and 2 months later...I'm still with him.
300 days from now...I'm going to marry him!
WOW!

Thing To Learn From This: The best thing for you is almost always the thing standing in front of you out of your reach but when the time comes something will give you a boost to make sure it all happens.

Brightest Wishes
And
Darkest Dreams,
Raelin Brianna

The Difference Is Jesus Loves You I Don't

"You say I should stay with you
That Jesus forgives you
You pray I will, but I won't
The difference is
Jesus loves you, I don't"
"I Don't" By Danielle Peck

I remember the day so vividly. I had been having a bad day at home but what else was new. I decided I wanted to go over to my best friend's house but he decided he wanted to hang out first which was fine by me. So we hung out for awhile, mostly just driving around and talking and listening to music which is what we did alot and if we were sick of driving around we would park in a parking lot and cuddle for a bit. We never really went to his house because the few times I had been there, needless to say he also did not have the greatest home life. His dad and brother were very kind but his stepmother was needless to say Psycho anyways I had been smiling because only the day before he had wrote in his blog on Myspace about how I was one of the best things that had ever happened to him. Him, being the first guy to write something like that about me, made me think that "hey maybe hes the one you've been looking for." Little did I know that I would be wrong about that. We hung out that night and then he took me home. We continued on in this fashion for awhile, enjoying each others company more and more each time until about 2 weeks later on what would be our 1 month anniversary, he told me he had cheated on me. A guy that I trusted with my life had cheated on me. And to make matters worse, he cheated on me with my best friend.
Gone were the days of kisses in the rain
Or knights in shining armor
Gone were the days of ripped pants
and sexy tattoos
However, their is a twist to this story. In the Fall of 2007 I saw him again at Macomb, now dating the girl he cheated on me with. I sat and "People Watched" them for about an hour silently laughing to myself about how they sat there the whole hour and never once did they say a kind word to each other. No special little glints in their eyes for each other or hidden kisses like I had once gotten from him. Only arguing.
A few days later I saw him watching Randy and I with that look to kill in his eyes and it only made me chuckle and kiss my future husband again.

Thing to Learn From This: Don't Fuck Up A Good Thing Because You May Regret It Later

Brightest Wishes and Darkest Dreams,
Love Always,
Raelin Brianna

So Close But Still So Far

"So Close To Reaching That Famous Happy End
Almost Believing This Ones Not Pretend
Now You're Beside Me and Look How Far We've Come
So Far We Are So Close"
"So Close" By Jon McLaughlin

So I love how things start to get decent and then it never fails to let you get dropped on your face.
I remember when we were starting to plan our big "Independence Day" where we were going to defy and surprise them by moving out. And then I became "homeless in the eyes of the state"
I remember the day of our 1 year anniversary and the look in his eye when he told me he was going to propose but didn't have the money for the ring that he felt "I deserved"
I remember the day when we decided we were going to start planning our wedding despite the fact that we weren't officially engaged yet. And then his car broke down and is going to cost us 500$ to fix.
I remember the day that his mom made me feel lower then dirt and I packed my shit to leave. And he cried, telling me that "Even though I may not believe him, I was his whole world." and when my simple reply was "So" he hit a wall and went into the living room to cry without embarrassing himself.
I know in my heart he loves me but why is it that a love like ours always manages to get fucked up?
God I know I did wrong in your eyes by having "relations" with him before we were married but does that give you the right to scorn me?

*le sigh*